I had an awesome cardiology Rotation, where I was able to see a lot of aspects of the care of a patient with and without cardiac issues. While I was there, my preceptor and I would often wax philosophic and he told me about the book, “The House of God” (which I have yet to read), and how there was an attending in that book with ten laws. I re-wrote them for Dr. K, in his honor, and thought they’d be funny to post.
Laws of the House of Kazienko
1. Crapsults are cardioprotective – the more a patient is consulted, the less likely they are to have a cardiac event.
2. Crapsults never stop
3. At a Code Blue, the first procedure is to find out who called it
4. ER Docs don’t diagnose myxomas, they trip over them.
5. Echos never come first.
6. There is no heart cavity that cannot be reached with an esophageal ultrasound or a catheter — and a good dose of sedatives
7. Digoxin is like holy water, a little bit never hurts.
8. (Age + HR) * 0.01 = Dig Bolus
9. The only good Crapsults are from real cardiologists
10. If you don’t order a stress test without symptoms, you wont find obesity induced dyspnea.
11. Show me a BMS going into GP who can understand a differential of CHF, and I will kiss his feet.
12. If the ER doc and the medical student both see raised troponins in the ER, then there can be no MI happening.
13. The delivery of good cardiac care is to do as much nothing as possible and keep the old timer GPs from doing more than that.
14. Your soul belongs to Jesus, but your heart belongs to me.
David S Keith, OMSIII, MSPH (Now DO, MSPH)
Thanks Dr. K